I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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