Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
