Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm getting married
To pizza
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
