He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
