I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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