ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
