she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
