I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
