i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
3pm strippers are depressing
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
