rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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