This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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