No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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