Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
