I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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