Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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