Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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