i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I didn't notice because vodka
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
