dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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