I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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