so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
