Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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