i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
