Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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