I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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