so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
