You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
