Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The Olympian is in my bed
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