I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
