so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I AM VODKA MAN
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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