We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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