No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
