I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
