Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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