i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Randomize
