Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
