Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
