Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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