Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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