she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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