Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
