i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
