Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
