Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
