I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
