I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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