It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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