My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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