there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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