Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
