Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
