I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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