You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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