just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
