I didn't shave. On purpose
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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